Friday, March 22, 2013

Rand Paul, The New Hybrid

Dear Rand Paul, 

I would like to take this day to salute you. You are the new hybrid that our founding fathers had in mind when they created this great nation that we all call home. You are neither democrat nor republican or even independent, you are America. You share the views of the majority of the working class of this country and when I say this it includes the rich to the poor, the key word is “working”. Rand people say your old man is just a tad bit on the crazy side with his ideas, I say they are scared because he is just another old white guy with progressive ideas that are game changers, you are the man that can bridge that gap between “crazy” and “game changer”. The Republican Party is in at a turning point in their existence and without drastic change they will fail. For years they have marched out the same old white guy with a tired agenda touting how he can fix everything with the same methods that failed the previous shuffle board playing blue hair trying to figure out why Florida looks a lot like DC while liberals sit back and laugh while enjoying yet another tofu and solar sandwich in their chauffeured electric car which was paid for with taxpayer dollars enjoying the fact that you will forever be stuck in neutral while they lap you faster than Ricky Bobby can say shake-n-bake. Well here is a little warning to those people who previously called campuses such as Berkley home….Rand Paul, Bobby Jindal, Marco Rubio, etc. (I’m still just humble enough to not add my name to the list quite yet) are the new rock stars on the block and they are just what this great nation needs to bring itself from the brink that we are teetering on and move us forward and continue to claim our spot at the top of the medal stand. Keep up the good fight Rand and if you need anyone to tap in for you on another marathon session on the floor give me a call, I’ll be your wing man anytime.

PS. Happy Friday peeps and the weather is looking sunny and warm for the weekend so enjoy it with a cocktail on the porch swing or wherever you may be and remember……If your aunt had nuts she would be your uncle.



  • RJ Cushing Just too drunk to taste that chicken
    Friday at 12:34pm via mobile · Like · 1
  • Ashley Sinclair Smiley Enjoyed reading this while I watched a local 'beggar' continually ask people coming out of bank for money (he's a regular here) and a woman light her cigarette and proceed to throw the garbage from her car out into the parking lot. As a bystander it really chaps my working class behind to see the disregard people have for all our privileges and blessings. The current administration is hell bent on equalization aka handouts and I'm ready for a 'change' before The majority of our nations people decide it's better for them to beg for money than work for it and that someone will be there to pick up the trash! I happily and willingly support Rand Paul and the randpac. I hope his momentum continues to increase and shapes the new 'conservative' party that is desperately needed to restore integrity and uphold our constitutional ideals!
    Friday at 12:43pm via mobile · Like · 3
  • Elliott Dickinson I totally agree Marcus Monroe. Lets hope these freshmen can shake and bake that far away land of smoke and mirrors.
  • Elliott Dickinson With support from people like you and rallying our troops I think we can do it
  • Sam Nevis Rudy- I don't know where you come up with this stuff! Clearly Danny is letting you out of the house way too much, but I love it- keep it coming!!!
  • Marcus Monroe Thanks Spade! I need to have a backup career just in case this farming thing doesn't work out.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Dallas Bound


Dear Dallas,

From my beloved Cowboys to my early days glued to the TV wondering what JR was going to do next I have always been in love with you much in the way that Chris Christie enjoys grazing at a doughnut buffet. As I sit here at the airport sipping on the worst Bloody Mary that $10 can buy waiting on a flight that I was supposed to be in an hour ago, my anticipation continues to grow as the thoughts of great friends, green beer, yes mam, no mam's and ya'lls fill my head. I will do my part to stimulate the Texas bar economy this weekend but in return I ask that you bless me with the greatest St. Patty's day east of Chico and a gorgeous southern woman with questionable morals who sits on a large oil inheritance and a cattle ranch to feed my growing paleo sweet tooth who wants to make daddy mad by saying "I do" to a yankee from the left coast. A rice farmer can dream cant he?!

PS. Happy Friday peeps and keep the beers flowing in Chico or where ever you may be this St. Patty's day and remember.......If steers and queers come from Texas why does Rosie O'Donnell hail from New York?
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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The New Pope's Gig


Dear new Pope,

Let me be the first to congratulate you on your new gig. I have been anxiously waiting by my phone hoping that my dream of ruling over 1.2 billion people and the keys to the greatest ride this side of the General Lee would come true but alas when the white smoke came billowing out and my dreams were crushed yet again by the sight of an old white dude who has the ability to order in multiple languages was disheartening. To make the most out of another lost opportunity to spread my gospel to the masses and enjoy the fact that my well being would be in the hands of my fellow Swiss brethren with a bad taste in clothes and an even worse choice in modern weapons (Is there already an assault rifle ban at the Vatican?) I ask you Pope for a few favors. First, please allow for wedding ceremonies that I don’t have to take a few days off of work to attend. I mean I’m not asking for a Kardashian affair but please allow me to not have to shave again when the priest finally asks the groom to kiss the bride. Second, while at these weddings it would be nice not to feel like I’m at a cross fit session. With all the up then down again moments I feel that I’m one Jillian Michaels scream away from exhaustion. Lastly, when it comes to communion mix it up a bit, I mean imagine the influx of youth that would flock to the church for fireball and popcorn or tequila and Slim Jims as opposed to wine and stale crackers? Heck if you offered good vodka, beef jerky and the promise that lighting would not strike me when I walked between the pews I would definitely be seeing you more frequently on Sundays. So please take these small requests into consideration and enjoy your time at the top and know that JC is looking down and he really frowns upon failure.

PS. Spring is here peeps and that means tractors will be moving and fields will be flooded so find a farmer and hug him or her and remember……It’s true that booze does kill people but how many are born because of it?
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